I’ve been in a really rough place for awhile and finding people who bring me peace and love hasn’t been the easiest of tasks recently. The feeling of not being able to find a place to belong, well it’s one of the hardest feelings of all. If you aren’t sure which way to turn I’m kind of sad to say that I’m in the same boat.
I think I’ve lost a bit of myself recently and a part of me has been searching to fill a void that unfortunately cannot be filled. I’ve come to realize that there’s a lot of things in life that you cannot control and other people’s actions are one of them. I’m tired of trying so hard to be something that fits everyone else’s standards. At the end of the day there are people who are just not gonna like who you are. And that’s OK. People love to hate. People love to put shit on others to make them feel better about themselves. And that’s entirely what I’ve been doing. I’ve hurt a lot of people recently and through my own carelessness I’ve been blind to the pain I’ve caused. There’s a lot of hate in this world and I feel terrible that I’ve been a pretty big contributor recently.
I’m sorry that I’ve made people feel the need to converse behind my back. I’m sorry that my actions hurt you enough to feel the need to try and coerce other people into feeling the way that you do. Most of all though I’m sorry that whatever I have done has made you so upset that you’re radio silent. Not one single word to me about the problems that you are having and about what I have done that’s upsetting you.
I’m tired of being the girl that tries so fucking hard to fit a standard that I will never fit. I’m never gonna be the person that pleases everyone because it’s impossible.
If you’re feeling alone or like there is just no way this new morphed version of yourself fits into the puzzle anymore, I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I know exactly what it feels like to not know where you stand. I know exactly what it feels like to see the life you once knew even a mere months ago become entirely transformed.
What I’m trying to grasp and what I hope you all can grasp is that even though change is difficult and necessary you do not have to be the person who copes with it well. You do NOT have to be the person who’s all go with flow okay with everything. Cause that’s not who all of us are. Not all of us at the drop of a hat can be okay with mere shards of a lifestyle we once knew. Not all of us can deal with repercussions of a shattered set of relationships, of several people leaving one right after the other. Cause what’s the point they all left anyway right?
I’ve been losing myself, or at least the “myself” I have previously known. And it’s sad. And it’s disappointing. And it’s really fucking painful. But there is somewhere in my heart that I know I am someday…somehow… by the Grace of God going to be okay. And in my darkest moments I have to remember for my own salvation, that my worth is not determined by all of the people who walked out. I am not broken, or defective, or someone who deserves anything less than a beautiful life. I’m just a girl who's life fell apart who is now just working on picking up the pieces.
If you’re like me, have faith in yourself, you are so much more than the people who have left.
xoxo, Molly
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